The dating world is a troublesome place for the inexperienced and often, expectant. In our mind, we imagine that finding someone compatible is a walk in the park since several movies have portrayed this Disneyesque view of finding that one special person. A typical scene has you walking into a library, for no good reason, or probably, you are still in school. She comes at you, walking in the opposite direction, carrying textbooks on things she has no plan on reading. She bumps you on the shoulder and drops her books. Being the gentleman, you are, you lean down or rather squat and help her pick them up. As you pick one of her books up, you accidentally brush her hand. OH NOOOOO! Butterfly or locust season starts a party on the inside of your stomach and hers, maybe. You make eye contact but shy away within seconds because her gaze stole your soul like Shao Khan/Scorpion.
In Uganda, the story goes a little differently… you walk into a takeaway joint. You look through the glass protecting the chaps, kebabs, roasted chicken and chapatis you have to choose from. You are greeted by a pleasant cashier who asks you what you want. You order some chips and chaps that you will have at the restaurant. After finding a comfortable seat, you sit comfortably as you wait for your chips and chaps. Wait, why didn’t you order a drink? You remember the drink and as you walk back to order a glass of juice, you see this young fresh kyana walk into the takeaway joint. Suddenly, you are salivating but not for food. Since you are a focused guy, you gather yourself, make your order and take your seat.
The fresh young kyana makes her order and to your surprise, she comes and sits right next to you. Additionally, she is going to eat at the restaurant as well. Both your food arrives at the same time. You both ordered chips and chaps. She also forgot to order her… fresh katunda juice. Safe to say you had a lot of things to talk about, exchanged numbers, went on dates, married and had kids. A refreshing story, isn’t it?
This is mostly what I have experienced in the dating world. Just kidding. It’s rough out there. Rough at the start but it gets easier as you go and are willing to learn. If you are closed off to learning, dating will become your worst nightmare. I mean this in the most serious but light sense but do not take my word for it, ask your friends stuck with crazy and hellish people. Sounds grim but so it is to the unlearned and unwilling to learn.
One of the significant pieces of advice you usually get when you are dating is the signs to look out for in potential romantic interest. I speak from a guy’s perspective so expect these to have references to women. If you have had the opportunity to drive or walk around the streets of Kampala, you have probably seen some red flags. Usually, an indicator of caution or a halt in the road for cars. If you have not seen these before, rush to Acacia avenue for a glimpse before the road is completed. The workers there wave a green flag for cars to move and a red one for them to stop. I think you get the idea of a red flag by now. Stop!
I have had a couple of dates in my few years, most of them during my late 20s. In one of my posts, I explained how I was very focused on my school to be disturbing people’s daughters. My attempts were half-hearted but I did not care much to be honest. When I was done with school and securing some work, I set myself to start meeting women on dates. If I’m not mistaken, my first two dates were secured by some girlfriends. These were blind dates. They were both pleasant but I would not do blind dates again. I discovered later on that I prefer to qualify the women I meet before I do. I was also quite inexperienced at the time so I had a couple of traits that at the time, did not make me as attractive as I could be. No more on that today. Maybe in another blog post. :)
After the first two dates, I continued to meet women through all sorts of avenues such as weddings, mutual friends, social media, social events and professional settings. It has been a whirlwind of experiences: fun, joys, pain, realizations and a lot more. Along the way, I noticed a couple of red flags which I often learned or rather accepted in retrospect. I say accepted because I always saw these red flags at the start but ignored them because of my attraction to these women. Sexual attraction is a scary thing without experience that blinds you to the most obvious things. I know it’s blinding because if I noticed similar things in guys, I would not give them the light of day yet I spent months salivating and desperately hung on some women. Looking back, I am thankful for the experiences because of the lessons.
Red flags ignored are a strange occurrence. When you are still new to dating or unlearned, it’s like load shedding of brain activity. It’s like continuing to try to charge your phone when the power was already turned off, continuing to start a car when there is no fuel, reading a book with no words and yet in your mind, you imagine all is well. It fascinates me because we see but somewhat, we don’t. Why? Blindness by attraction.
With a few dates under my belt, I started to pick up on some clear red flags that should help most guys at the start before most emotional investment. Truth is, with all of us guys, we often tolerate hotter women longer but trust me, at the end of the day, it will hurt more than that dopamine rush we get from being around or with a hotter woman. What are these red flags? Easiest one, short replies on texts usually followed by flaked dates. We often assume as guys, we need to qualify ourselves with women especially when you just got her number. Truth is, you need to be somewhat interesting but not desperately. If she is not even civil enough to respond to your texts with some enthusiasm or responds very late when you can tell she’s been on her phone, let her go. Another simple one is how much time she spends on her phone while with you on a date. Run from these girls. My experience has been they are extremely uninteresting past the aesthetics. These all sound simple to notice but in the heat of the moment, you would be surprised by how as a guy, these are ignored. Why?
The ultimate red flag, the one we all often miss, is the cause of all the red flags. What is it? Why must you know it? Why am I dragging this out with all these questions? TELL USSSS!! Haha. The ultimate red flag is… YOU. We can all make it about the women who gave us all sorts of bad experiences. The ones who flaked maybe went on a date or two and once we caught feelings left us for dead, the ones who said they were not in a rush for a relationship which translates “I don’t want a relationship with you”, etc. The examples are plenty. These ladies have scarred some but it was to a greater extent your fault. You took the number, insisted on a date beyond disinterest signals shown to you, though you knew it all Mr PIMP, Mr God’s gift to women, Mr She’s the one, Mr I’ll love her to death, Mr I Can Be Your Hero Baby. We are all privy to this mindset due to our egos. It’s not unique so there is nothing to be ashamed of. What makes the difference is the willingness to learn.
Like most businesses, when you realize that customers are continuously running away from you, your profits dropping, you need to adjust your approach. You can learn from other successful businesses. There are plenty of those around. I read a couple of books. Sounds nerdy but it worked for me. At the core of all these books was the vital message that it was ME all along. I had to find and create value in myself. Once you have built enough value in yourself, you are not worried about who comes or who goes irrespective of how beautiful they look. You know at the end of the day, you are the value, the prize. Anyone who thinks or treats you otherwise loses your time and attention. It’s simple at its core.
There’s a learning curve to this but you keep learning and doing better in diagnosing red flags. As you deal with the Ultimate red flag and turn green yourself, you find yourself attracted to green flags as well. We are what we attract. Become a green flag and you will not need to worry about red flags. In the long-term, your attention will be drawn to your kind. Later.
