“Long time!” One of the commonest small-talk openers you hear in almost every corner of Kampala. Like people’s phones suddenly delete your number every time you meet them? “You could have reached out if you wanted to,” I think, as I greet them back with equal enthusiasm. “Long time!”. -_-
Welcome back! It has been a rather long time since I last wrote on this blog but never fear! Guess who’s back (*7), na na na… from an Eminem song.
Adulthood is a disillusioning experience. I remember being younger promising my relatives TVs and cars that I would buy them when I grew up and got a job. I imagined money would fall at my feet in a field I knew not of. I must have believed money grew on trees? When I entered high school, I discovered I was not the smartest kid around. I realized that in my school, I was maybe a little above average, coming from primary school where I thought I was exceptional.
When I entered university, I entered another bubble of dreams and expectations that I hoped would come my way on completion of my degree. Big job! Big car! Huge income! All de ladies! :) Boy, was I in for a surprise! Graduated with a couple of papers and returned home to start buying my relatives their “TVs and cars.” Sad to say, they were disappointed as was I. The box TVs I promised in the 90s were completely out of stock! You all thought I was not a man of my word, huh?
As I found my feet, after about a year and a half, I was slowly being disillusioned from my university expectations. Something also dawned on me. A couple of the people I left back home had progressed further than I had. I had a lot of catching up to do. I got to toiling to make up for lost time and learning. It was a rather lively experience. One I honestly did not enjoy because of the disillusionment I was going through about the realities back home.
I saw other men with good jobs and businesses, better cars, some married, some with kids, etc. They all seemed to be fairing better than I was yet I had this entitlement that I should be doing just as well. I deserved it. I had worked hard, got a bunch of papers and even, had some work experience right out of school. Who better deserved success than me? I was sorely wrong.
As it slowly dawned on me that things were not going to work out how I had hoped, I looked for a different perspective, not willingly, but because my current entitled perspective was harming me. It was not productive and was making it difficult to navigate my current. I also had a friend who reminded me constantly that there was someone else who struggled with my comparison syndrome more than me. Muahahaha! One of my friends usually came to me to talk about this challenge.
My friend, let’s call him, Gru (Despicable Me guy), complained about his lot quite a bit. He saw the glass half empty yet he did not even have a glass. He had a big vase which was three-quarter way full! He had much more going for him than he bothered to notice and be thankful for. I realized my shortfall through my friend. I had/have a lot going for me. Yes, there are some things I would prefer to have but there is a time for all things as long as you remain consistent. One of the fondest things I remember my mum telling me over this time was to be patient and see the process through. It stuck with me.
Another rather big thing that I (and many others) often miss is… that there is more than meets the eye. Our perspective of people is often just skin deep. We do not see beyond the surface what people are going through. You see that guy in the Mercedes, what did he sacrifice to get that car? Was it worthwhile? Were there things he/she traded for that life? Long work hours? Corruption? Are all his affairs at home okay? Are all his people healthy? How is his relationship with his parents? Are they alive? All may be going well but likely not. We all have our burden to carry and comparing ours to another is just plain silly. We cannot be anybody but ourselves. We can also only carry our burden.
The call we make that someone is better off especially because they are more financially sound is short-sighted. Yes, money affords us some more things that can make us happy but happiness is a temporary emotion that often dies out after we get what we desire. There is also no growth in constant happiness. We occasionally need a dose of suffering and sadness to grow and appreciate what we have. No light without darkness.
Two solutions I use for this dilemma: being thankful for my lot and using people’s successes as a benchmark or inspiration to do better for myself.
Comparison is great if you use it appropriately, avoiding envy. What we see is only skin deep. Envy creates entitlement and prejudice. We are entitled to nothing though we may think we are. Rather be grateful for our lot and work towards making it better, hopefully.
The grass is greener where we water it… unless it’s dead?
Peace!
