In every Chinese restaurant, I have visited, one of the most popular meals is sweet and sour pork. Whether they do sweet and sour with other types of meat, I have no idea and have not noticed anywhere. Maybe it is because I was so focused on the pork… when I still used to eat it. Gone are the days I ate the swine… and thoroughly enjoyed it. Ah, gone are the days! Back to the topic of my writing… bitterness.
Like many of us, I have encountered circumstances where people have disappointed me. We all rarely think of the people we have harmed so allow me to rant. Many of these people were often close relations whether friends or family. Of course, some random people have crossed me but those often hurt less like a person that cuts you off in traffic especially our taxi drivers and boda-boda riders. In Uganda, all are familiar with one, that just jumped into your view without care for dear life, as we live in a cartoon where if you die, you can regenerate. Think Super Mario. Anyone that drives in Uganda can drive anywhere in the world. These incidents will not spoil your day unless you have an accident.
The more impactful offences are the ones that come from close relations. The people in whom we have invested our time and energy and sometimes, have invested the same in us. These are people we expect to know better and do better because of their relation to us but humans are bound to disappoint. All of us are. What matters is to what extent which is usually a subjective judgment for most. Though, there are objective judgments too.
We all manage disappointment differently. Sometimes, the correct way, other times, not so correct, not so healthy. Bitterness is the latter. Whenever I get bitter, I feel this burning but satisfying feeling. Like it harms the other person. It is a strange sensation. It also seems so much easier than the alternative. “I am angry. I am justified to be angry. Those people are horrible. How could they do what they did?” A fight with the reality of what has happened. A fight to maintain the image of a person that you had before the offence. Denial of who they have shown themselves to be is a show of OUR poor judgment.
Bitterness is actually about maintaining our ego. “How could I, Mr Always RIGHT, have missed this? How could I have made such a bad relationship investment?” We try to avoid the responsibility of allowing this person the impact they had on us. It’s a try to absolve us from seeing ourselves as mistaken. It is a play on being a victim. It labels us as perfect and incapable of the offence committed by the culprit. “I am good. I would never do this to someone. How could they?”
Matter of fact, it is possible we may never do some of the things other people have done to us but we are capable of it. Understanding and coming to terms with that fact saves us from dwelling too long on people who disappoint us. it is a start to what is necessary for such situations. Knowing that we are not better than anybody at least as far as capability and sometimes, in what we have done to others. The most bitter people think they are better than their perpetrators. The more self-righteous we are, the harder it is to forgive and let bitterness go.
Does that mean that we must maintain our relationships with people who offend us? Yes and no. It depends on the impact of the harm and whether objectively, this offence is drastic or not. Some people cross lines that we must never allow them to cross again. Sometimes these lines are not so drastic or could they be? Someone steals 1000 Ugandan shillings. Sounds small but could that mean they could steal more if the opportunity arose? Something to think about.
All cases should be judged on the merits and demerits. They stole 1000 Uganda shillings but maybe they bring value to my life that is worth more than that. Did they apologize or did I have to catch them in the act? Did they deny or accept when I caught them? All those are indicators that guide us to choose the most appropriate way to manage these relations.
More importantly, before deciding what we will do with our offenders, we must resolve our side. That resolution is never through bitterness. Sweet then sour is never worth it. Rather, we should accept our capability to do the same, forgive ourselves and the offender and make better decisions in terms of our relationship investment. Sour but sweet, eventually.
